#5

Wants versus Needs

I need to study. But I want to play.
I need to revise. But I want to play.
I need to stop using my phone. But I want to play on my phone.

It's irritating that I have the mindset but not the motivation. I feel disgusted at myself. I spoil myself so much that I am no different from those bitches who whine about things and their rich parents will satisfy their wants. Sometimes I wish I can die so that I will not be a burden to my parents, and everyone around me. But they keep telling me I am not...but their reactions to my actions tell me that I am.

The recent time when my dad hollered at me was like a wake up call. I had thought a lot about it. I think I am just a burden to them. They want me to do well et cetera so I do not suffer later in life. But I keep playing and thinking that everything is okay, when it isn't. My relationship with my dad is very strained now, and I really don't know what to do. I pretend I am angry, but I feel hollow. Sadness permeates me with lonliness, and the need for maturity, I guess. But I am a child stuck in the body of an 18 year old. I never understood when people lied; it is confusing to me to differentiate them.

Caffeine runs in me now to keep me awake due to my hypersomnia. I may just break down, but I think I'll keep a facade, because it is easier to say that I'm fine than to explain why my tears fall.

Stay strong, lovelies.