Is my singing really so bad?

I don't know anymore, it's like I can only believe myself whether I like it or not.

#21

www.dayre.com/whahumi

I update there more often

#20

Friendless
Helpless
When in need

Nobody
Everybody
It's like I don't exist

Food
And sleep
The only solace to seek

Until the time
Where her courage rises

And she gives up
What she was gifted with

Giving back
To the Lord

Who in her eyes
Can understand

The dilemma she faces
When at the end of the rope.

#19

好纳闷, 对现实好不耐烦

多两天就要考试了, 对考试完全没有信心

好像出国, 如果有个有钱的丈夫来共我挺好的 呵呵

但是人生没有这么好啦, 要的东西得自己努力去赚

所以 明年, 안녕하세요 다한밍국 ♡ 

明年好想去好多好多国家, 

화이팅 짜루씨 ー□ 頑張って! □

#18

Deleted my instagram account, because my original purpose is lost.

I probably shouldn't have such accounts, they may just worsen my depression and stuff you know, dwelling in too much negativity can drown you in negativity.

But I did create another account which I actually wanted to use as a super private account for my rants but its probably useless anyway since I write too bitchily so I created the account for me to record short bits of me singing crap and well yeah doing short covers of songs that I felt like singing.

And as the prelims come closer, my sense of panic heightens and my stress level increases, pushing my hypersomnia into overdrive, so I can probably sleep 3 times a day with no problems, you know.

Gonna leave a short poem here.

Maybe what 
We always see
As what we want
Is not what we need.

In fact
What we hate
What is horrible to us
(bitter and gross)
Is what we need
To make ourselves better.

Stay strong don't lose hope and all the best to everyone in their endeavours!

#17

I'm a horribly insensitive person.

In my haste to be funny, I posted on ig something that may have triggers on the ed people and I didn't think about that. I'm indeed horrible.

Sometimes I tend to blurt out my thoughts in its rawest, unprocessed form that can be truly harmful and too honest for some people...actually most. I tease people thinking that it is humorous, but after thinking about it, it was probably too mean and insulting.

I am sorry to offend people, and I try to watch my words and deliver them in a more 'packaged' and less blunt manner, but then again, it would seem fake. I really find it stressful and tiring to live in a society where too much or too little of anything is always frowned upon. It is like finding a needle in a haystack - trying to find perfection in an imperfect world, an imperfect person, and an imperfect society that expects perfection without repercussions.

This is my blog post since very long, because I went on a holiday to China. I enjoyed myself there, and wished I could stay there, because the life there is much more peaceful than here, especially Hangzhou, where they do not like to rush to do things...or as my tour guide puts in the ugly form, 'lazy'. But it is considerably a good trait, seeing that nobody is overly stressed from rushing to work or anything else. Stress is inevitable in our lives, but we can choose to embrace it, or let it crush us. Not everybody that chooses to embrace this stress gets to live peacefully because sometimes, this thing called stress, still crushes us anyway.

Despite the existance of stress, there is also something called happiness in our lives. What I personally feel is that happiness is all due from our perspective. So for me, happiness comes when I can travel far from Singapore and enjoy myself thoroughly, yet an acquaintance of mine, finds joy in just returning to her grandparents' house in Malaysia. Happiness is everywhere, but it is how we choose to embrace it. Like for some people, they may seek happiness in studying, but for people like me who are more towards physical than intellectual, studying tends to be a chore, a burden, a source of worry and stress.

Exams are coming in a week's time, and I have yet to study. Slept for 18 hours at least today, and I'm still trying to get used to no air-con and high air humidity in Singapore.

I have a goal, which is to fly to Korea, and Los Angeles by 2015. I'm intending on dropping out of school for a year, but I'm afraid I'll get too slack and just forgo university studies completely. Mind over matter, I guess.

stay strong and don't lose faith.

#16

Sick and tired ugh. 3 more days till I fly off, and I really want a window seat. I hope by then I'm 75% onto recovery, so I don't miss out on a lot of food in China :X

Yesterday went on a shopping spree with sis. There were some really awesome things, but it ended up with both of us not really satisfied with the amount of clothes we bought (note to self: that's equivalent to turning into a shopaholic sigh)

I'm considering on taking a break from studies sfter my A levels. Idk if that is a good choice, but I think regarding my condition now, it's best that I do take the break...so after June I really have to study really hard.

화이팅, 나야...stay strong huns xx

#15

The dark holds many secrets, frightening or not.

I'm just spooked after reading many scary stories while facing a (slight) stomach ache.

I wish I have a dog or cat so that they can accompany me while I sleep, yet again, them being beings with heightened sensitivity, it would be quite scary to see it staring into space and whining or barking fiercely at it.

Or I can have my boyfriend. But he is sleeping in his air-conditioned room without the blasted imagination playing tricks on him so lucky him ugh while here I am lying in bed and listening to songs on shuffle to calm my damn nerves and pretend that I wasn't exposed ugh.

Sometimes I wish I can see spiritual entities but at times like this, I'll probably sprint off if I was even offered such an ability, because let's face it, who doesn't get freaked out by floating things that only you can see? (And maybe those psychics that can sense it.)

Anyway I'm glad I'm a coward at times because once I really wanted to try Ouija boards but after reading about it I'd probably throw it away even if I get it as a gift. And there was once I really wanted to watch some paranormal horror movie about some mirror thing (but I forgot the name of the movie darn) but I ended up having some really weird experiences so I didn't go. But I gotta clarify - I didn't know anything about its contents, just the title of the movie until the weird experiences and then I decided to search on it...and immediately did not want to watch it anymore, cause I doubt I want to develop paranoid thoughts about mirrors, so that's that.

Fear isn't something nice to experience, so yeah if you are a scaredy-cat like me at night then don't read/listen to spooky stories at night alright, it seriously unsettles your nerves and makes you start thinking of things you don't want to think of...and yeah.

Though my post isn't really anything close to what I usually post, I guess it's nice to have a slight change of air from my usual moody ones.

Stay strong, hunnies, I love you all. ♡

#14

11 more days till I fly off.

I should be in Vietnam now if there wasn't any anti-Chinese sentiments there. But oh well, no one foresees anything.

I want to migrate to other countries, but what are my chances? New language, new environment etc...just sigh.

Just, stay strong.

#13

Tearless,
She lay in bed,
While her heart bleeds its pain.
Whilst she laughs like a loon,
Yet only no one knew,
She felt like a fool,
For living so well.
The happy pills she had,
No longer gave the tears she shed,
For they numbed her so bad,
Until she made her skin cry,
For that's how she try
To keep herself sane
Until her last breath came.

#12

I don't know if this is considered binging...but I drank a large Sharetea with mini pearls and coffee jelly, 8 tamago maki sushi, 3/4 of a oily pepper lunch set and 1/2 of a pepper lunch pasta aligo something. Before that I had like 2/5 of my bread from Peck...and I feel darn full right now from eating those, ugh. Feel like throwing it up to ease the fullness but I just don't really want to throw up.

Today had school, and I had a massive headache, probably from the blow I dealt myself last Friday. Really hate myself at times at how stupid and careless I can be to even hit my head like that. I guess my stupidity is really extensive.

I don't know who I am now. Like sometimes you get this sort of dislike about yourself that you don't really view yourself as you, but rather like a third person. And I feel like I'm crap whenever I think about myself, like I can be so damn idiotic and lame when I reply other people to the extent that my inner self is cringing in shame at myself. And I'm definitely irritating, being myself and with my stupid antics.

Forget it I don't know what I'm blabbering about.

Stay strong, you guys, don't lose hope ♡

#11

1st June, and my hypersomniac self is at work today. I slept like 14.5 hours and I still feel sleepy. I don't know what to feel for this because it is obviously a sign that I'd relapse but I don't want it to come, but I don't do anything to stop it. And I feel worse when I see those girls with ednos and they are trying their hardest to beat their brains to not relapse, and here is me, sleeping all the time and not even trying to break out of the cycle. I've even lost hopes for recovering from deb, since I'm always so reliant on the fucking anti-depressants. I can see myself submitting to the medicines and being a hopeless bitch that relies on others for help. I don't know anymore, maybe I ought to sleep this out or something. If that even works. Stay strong lovelies, don't lose hope like me.

#10

Don't leave me alone,
For the seed that they planted,
Has started to grow in my head,
And he has come to feed.

Don't leave me alone,
For he has come to feed
Who resides in my head,
And haunts me in the dark.

Don't leave me alone,
For he resides in my head,
That comes out when I fall,
And he makes me fall harder.

Don't leave me alone,
For the seed that fed,
That bared my soul,
Leaving me to fester with the dead.

_______________________

Doesn't rhyme but that's what I feel whenever I dropped to the depths of what any human can feel.

Holidays have started, but I feel tired. Sigh. Gonna sleep early tonight and do homework tomorrow.

♡ Anyway, stay strong lovelies, I love all of you no matter how broken you are ♡

#9

Thought it'd be okay for me to post a picture of this doll head that's supposedly scary but ended up looking cute and curly hair.

Today is the last studying day of school for this term.

I'm fucking tired and I really want to go home and sleep my zzz's away. BUT no, there's a Civics lesson on abortion later and afterwards there could be tuition. Unless I cancel it, which I will because I have yet to do the work she assigned me and I don't want to waste tuition funds like that. And tomorrow, there's an event called Sports Day where I just wear my house tee and stand there and cheer for my house which I don't really look forward to at this point in time. Like I want to skip this event but hey my attendance is gonna be so screwed and my dad will think that I'm such a pig for being so lazy to go to school for even a short few hours even while not studying then my dad will holler at me for being such a irresponsible liar and I'll feel guilty and conflicted and thoughts of I want to hurt myself comes out stronger and I'm not even gonna recover in that state.

fuck this I really hate people who chew with shutting their mouths making the sort of chewing sound that sounds so fucking disgusting all thanks to misophonia that stupid load that had to jump on the bandwagon of mine. And I hate a lot of things which makes me a failure in life because I can't even socialize well anymore. 

Tbh the previous post was something that I have no idea what I was typing to be bluntly honest, so pardon me if I don't sound like anyone with common sense. In fact at this hungry and tired state coupled with a headache I doubt anything I say makes sense at all anyway.

okay fuck this 

I am really sorry whenever I rant I tend to go on and on and on and on without stopping and I am pretty sure I sound like some stuck up bitch that can't accept that life cannot go the way I want it to be and that's an insult. Well..like the bimbos I guess. But I don't feel bimbo. Neither do real bimbos so who am I to say whether I'm a bimbo? 

Really hungry now. I just hope I don't get gastric pain again that fucktard of a stomach cramp hurts like a motherfucking bitch. And now my head hurts like a bitch.

Today is just not my day. 

Stay strong lovelies and beat the hell out of those shitty things they call mental illnesses/disorders because they ain't got any right to disrupt lives like that so kick 'em in the ass and send them away to non-existent things like Pluto and your fake thoughts on yourself.

Summary? I ranted and you readers gotta stay strong and talk to me if you aren't okay because I'll be here for you. My kik is tlrouvset or in other words the name of my blog yay.

♡ love you all ttyl next time ♡

#8

Yesterday didn't have lunch. I had gastric pain even when I ate dinner later, and I had to take my sis's gastric pills. Hating medicine more and more now. I never liked it, only eating it when I have to.

Sometimes I wonder if I should regret my actions of the past. I lost countless numbers of friends, but also made some of the best and most fun friends (idek my English anymore excuse me for that)... Either way I won't look back at it anymore, cause there's just no point in crying over spilt hot chocolate (because I don't like milk).

I didn't drink coffee today, because I think my body needs to stop relying on that stuff to keep awake. Anyway it's like the last 2nd day of school, who gives a fuck any more really? June holidays are just going to be fun fun fun and then last minute mugging...though I think I may just take my studies for real (though I don't know how long it can last..).

Mental illnesses are really tiring. It just kills you slowly if you don't recover, that's what I feel from what I've read from Instagram. I want to die though I feel alright and okay...Debbie at it again.

I don't know what else to say maybe tonight I shan't have my medication and see what happens. But I really don't want to feel moody. But I am moody now. I don't know. But I felt slightly better when I realised that I helped my friends so much, when they needed it. A few words of kindness, like I love you and stay strong can help someone know that in this world, there are still people who genuinely care about them.

I'm probably tired which caused my moodiness. And when I'm moody it isn't even like how I am usually, I'll just keep to myself...though now I try to make myself feel better.

I have a dayre account, but I don't know if it is better to blog or to dayre because dayre is definitely more convenient. But I think I'll stick to blogs for now.

Stay strong, lovelies ♡ all of you are worth it.

#7

Feeling like an emotional wreck now. No idea why I feel like that though. Its about 2 hours before my GP paper, and I've been feeling very rocky since the start of the day. I seriously fucking hate myself.

I do sound positive this year, but last year I wasn't. I was a pessimistic piece of crap that found the faults in everything - like how long my face is, how ugly I look with a fucking flat nose, how my stomach fats are only going to increase because I'm such a fucking lazy bitch, and how nobody would want me because of the things that consist of me. Yeah, such insightful memories.

There's a cycle between emotions, thoughts and behaviour. Emotions and thoughts can influence each other, and determine the behaviour. Not sure why I'm saying this, probably trying to force myself to think positive and be all cheery but I can't. Tbh it's quite long since I had such intense negativity flowing through my mind and making me wonder where did the endorphins I produce yesterday go.

I'm beyond the stage of self-harming not because I have been better and sense the stupidity in self-harming. I don't hurt myself because I'm too tired to do so. A scratch that leaves scars takes ounces of energy to do so, and I've lost this energy. I've reached the stage where I feared to be - not self-harming - because it's a 50:50 situation where I may just commit suicide when I had enough of stuffing up the frustrations. The other half was getting better, but by the looks of me in this fucked up state, I doubt it.

I find people who cut themselves brave. I can't even press the blade and see the bead of blood burst from that fragile human skin. Although cutting isn't what they exactly call "a way to vent your emotions", I get the rationale. It's better to feel the physical pain than face the emotional pain inside, because we will treat our physical wounds first, since it is tangible and easy to heal. But our hearts that hurt, is intangible, and we never have any ideas on what to do to make it better, so we distract. And to the society, that is called stupid.

Stupid is what my friend called me. Because I was emotional and needed someone to talk to, and she being my best friend in my puberty years where you share lame secrets and what not, I ranted to her, to only see the door being slammed in my face. She doesn't understand that mood swings are something out of my control. Although memories aren't clear, I remembered the feeling that she gave me: isolation. I was alone, I needed help, I asked for help, and she couldn't help me. I guess that's why many people constantly reject the help from those people who have never been tainted in their perspective of the world, or rather, those without the burden of Deb and Sue, because they cannot relate, and they cannot understand, and all the more they cannot help.

These days, I keep losing my appetite in the afternoon. It's like I eat breakfast and dinner, with nothing in between. It's not even anorexic or restrictive eating, I just don't feel the urge to eat in school. I feel those gastric pain and stuff but the only thing I want to do is drink water. I still eat rice and whatever but I just don't want to eat in school. I don't even know why myself. I just hope no illness comes out from this - I'm so fucking sick of the load I have already, and I definitely don't need another to join the crowd in my bandwagon.

The paper's going to start in half hour's time, and I'm still in the panicky mess I am in. Feel like breaking down but my sedatives work well. Thank my doctor for that. I wish I have some chocolate to calm my fucking nerves.

Talk later. Maybe.

Stay strong, lovelies ♡

#6

Antidepressants

I don't like those little pills of 20mg. I don't. It makes me feel like I am so helpless without them whenever I don't eat them; it's like a risk, 50-50 chance of relapse.

Yet these pills work so well and they numb me like how lithium numbs the bipolar self. Day after day, as I see my days pass, the number of little capsules decrease in numbers, poisoning me with their antidote.

Those pretty little pills that can heal or kill you.

They dry my tears and make a sun rise when no sun should.

I guess I have an ambivalent stance on antidepressants, although I wish I can just not consume them...oh I bought a Pom Pom Purin Hello Kitty for the fun of it ^^

On reality, I have a long Tuesday, and a Wednesday with English Prelim exams. But on a happy note, it's like the last week of school.

My reliance on coffee is too much. Ugh.

Stay strong, lovelies ♡

#5

Wants versus Needs

I need to study. But I want to play.
I need to revise. But I want to play.
I need to stop using my phone. But I want to play on my phone.

It's irritating that I have the mindset but not the motivation. I feel disgusted at myself. I spoil myself so much that I am no different from those bitches who whine about things and their rich parents will satisfy their wants. Sometimes I wish I can die so that I will not be a burden to my parents, and everyone around me. But they keep telling me I am not...but their reactions to my actions tell me that I am.

The recent time when my dad hollered at me was like a wake up call. I had thought a lot about it. I think I am just a burden to them. They want me to do well et cetera so I do not suffer later in life. But I keep playing and thinking that everything is okay, when it isn't. My relationship with my dad is very strained now, and I really don't know what to do. I pretend I am angry, but I feel hollow. Sadness permeates me with lonliness, and the need for maturity, I guess. But I am a child stuck in the body of an 18 year old. I never understood when people lied; it is confusing to me to differentiate them.

Caffeine runs in me now to keep me awake due to my hypersomnia. I may just break down, but I think I'll keep a facade, because it is easier to say that I'm fine than to explain why my tears fall.

Stay strong, lovelies.

post #4

Expectations vs Reality

I don't know why so many people expect so much from me, especially my father. Just because I am that little bit smarter than my sister, he expects me to score. He even (through my mother) tells me that if I get 3As for my subjects (3H2, 2H1), then he will pay for my braces, which is like around SGD4k...yet he offers to pay for my sister's braces.

This is just so shitty. And when you say that you are being pressured upon, parents will say 'Oh no, I didn't pressure you, I am okay with your results, etc' that sort of bs. I cannot even, seriously. If wanting me to get 3 grade As to reward me, that in itself is an expectation. 

And in reality, their delusions are overly colourful.

And they like to impose their colourful delusions on their children. Though some parts of them do want us to do well, which is reasonable, I don't believe in imposing overly unrealistic and far-fetched hopes onto children.

Probably that is why I have depression. I have always thought where the roots could be, and I realised, I had never been truly happy after I started my secondary school days. Secondary school, with the drama of friends and being locked up at home, plus puberty and other bs, destroys a person like me who is values freedom and everything else. And with a pragmatic society that values papers over anything else, and the availability of education, the stress of competing against peers has increased even more compared to the last 2 decades. I wouldn't even surprised if there is a rise in the number of mental illnesses diagnosed.

I do realise that my rants are pretty subjected to my POV, and not everybody would concur to it. But well, this is a blog for a reason.

Thanks for reading, lovelies, and stay strong ♡

Post #3

Tired and sick of life.

Sometimes I wonder why am I suffering from all the mental illnesses I have. Sometimes I wish to cut open my head and smash my brain to bits. I rather die than feel all these pain. I hate feeling depressed - it's like being sad and lonely for all the wrong reasons in this world.

Many would say that I should appreciate what I have, but I rather be a farmer or just lead a simple life. Be as far away from this fucked up piece of society as possible. Why do I hate this society? I guess I can reason it out.

1) skinny = beauty, fat is a sin.
That is what I see. Photoshop done on models. Girls at the age of 12 obsessing over the size of their waist, how flat their tummy is. People going for liposuction not because their health is in jeopardy, but because they want to wear those size 0 clothes. And to be skinny, those who cannot pay for liposuction...resort to other means: puking, starving what not. In school, I saw this boy restricting himself to 1000kcals per day. Just, what the fuck.

2) Depression is not even existent, it is just you thinking too much.
This stereotype is too damn widespread. Apparently a low mood triggered by lack of some chemicals in the body is a 'thinking too much' syndrome. I don't know man, maybe people with depression cut themselves even though it hurts for fun, right? They jump off the building because they have nothing better to do right? I don't know man.

...actually my brain is quite dead at this hour haha. It's damn hot here and I'm sweating and gained weight again, can feel the spare tyres accumulating around my waist...(ironic eh), but either ways just gonna let the days go by how they go, and next time, lovelies.


 ♡ stay strong ! ♡

Post #2

Midnight musings.

Maybe I'm just really a spoilt brat wishing for things that hurts me. Today was a fine day, except that I was warned in class for dozing off...the feelings when you fall asleep in class...

But later I had Fish and Pasta with a side of coleslaw, with school going okay, and celebrating two birthdays. Had dinner at Marché (10 slices of their thin crust pizza) with my lovelies and I feel thankful for their existance; they made me laugh so much today that I feel good.

Did a lot of self reflection throughout the day too. Maybe I'm really just a whiny bitch who thinks she rules the world just because she won a few wars. Sounding really bipolar wtf... but anyway, I'm really scared for my examinations, like high hopes don't mix well with procrastination and laziness. And that makes me so stressed that I want to injure myself.

Either way, I'm glad I didn't buy that cutter.

Good night loves, take care ♡

Post #1

Life here is difficult. 

I've become an escapist. Escaping from the reality I am supposed to face. Today, I had a horrible wake up yell by my parent. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing until around 0720. I guess I have been taking everything for granted. I feel lost. Because I genuinely do not want to go to school due to the stress that I get, but I have to, in this heartless society that seeks for mere qualifications that are just pieces of paper stating your IQ.

Today he asked me when was I going to stop escaping reality. Today he asked me when was I going to stop abusing my ability to do whatever I want. Today, he asked me if I really wanted to study,  because then I can always go to work and lessen his burden. Maybe that is what I want.

I don't know myself anymore. I've changed so much that I don't understand me. Just when I thought I was making a turn for the better, God comes in and screws things up like I am a sickening joke created by my parents. 

Mental illnesses are horrible. 

School is starting, will post again.