#7

Feeling like an emotional wreck now. No idea why I feel like that though. Its about 2 hours before my GP paper, and I've been feeling very rocky since the start of the day. I seriously fucking hate myself.

I do sound positive this year, but last year I wasn't. I was a pessimistic piece of crap that found the faults in everything - like how long my face is, how ugly I look with a fucking flat nose, how my stomach fats are only going to increase because I'm such a fucking lazy bitch, and how nobody would want me because of the things that consist of me. Yeah, such insightful memories.

There's a cycle between emotions, thoughts and behaviour. Emotions and thoughts can influence each other, and determine the behaviour. Not sure why I'm saying this, probably trying to force myself to think positive and be all cheery but I can't. Tbh it's quite long since I had such intense negativity flowing through my mind and making me wonder where did the endorphins I produce yesterday go.

I'm beyond the stage of self-harming not because I have been better and sense the stupidity in self-harming. I don't hurt myself because I'm too tired to do so. A scratch that leaves scars takes ounces of energy to do so, and I've lost this energy. I've reached the stage where I feared to be - not self-harming - because it's a 50:50 situation where I may just commit suicide when I had enough of stuffing up the frustrations. The other half was getting better, but by the looks of me in this fucked up state, I doubt it.

I find people who cut themselves brave. I can't even press the blade and see the bead of blood burst from that fragile human skin. Although cutting isn't what they exactly call "a way to vent your emotions", I get the rationale. It's better to feel the physical pain than face the emotional pain inside, because we will treat our physical wounds first, since it is tangible and easy to heal. But our hearts that hurt, is intangible, and we never have any ideas on what to do to make it better, so we distract. And to the society, that is called stupid.

Stupid is what my friend called me. Because I was emotional and needed someone to talk to, and she being my best friend in my puberty years where you share lame secrets and what not, I ranted to her, to only see the door being slammed in my face. She doesn't understand that mood swings are something out of my control. Although memories aren't clear, I remembered the feeling that she gave me: isolation. I was alone, I needed help, I asked for help, and she couldn't help me. I guess that's why many people constantly reject the help from those people who have never been tainted in their perspective of the world, or rather, those without the burden of Deb and Sue, because they cannot relate, and they cannot understand, and all the more they cannot help.

These days, I keep losing my appetite in the afternoon. It's like I eat breakfast and dinner, with nothing in between. It's not even anorexic or restrictive eating, I just don't feel the urge to eat in school. I feel those gastric pain and stuff but the only thing I want to do is drink water. I still eat rice and whatever but I just don't want to eat in school. I don't even know why myself. I just hope no illness comes out from this - I'm so fucking sick of the load I have already, and I definitely don't need another to join the crowd in my bandwagon.

The paper's going to start in half hour's time, and I'm still in the panicky mess I am in. Feel like breaking down but my sedatives work well. Thank my doctor for that. I wish I have some chocolate to calm my fucking nerves.

Talk later. Maybe.

Stay strong, lovelies ♡